Ssshhhh...

Silence...

Cathartic for all when faced with devil-like beings

The crying, screaming, fighting, cursing, voices loud for all the ears

Voices from the past, from the present and oracles of the future...

Ssshhh....

Nothing to be heard.

Every sound echoes in the emptiness

Heart races... 

Was that the window cracking or my head?

Sssshhh....

Don't speak out loud

Only crazy people converse with themselves

Hide... Hide, cover, mask, bury deep inside the will to be crazy.

If only you'd said yes...

The Wait

Nothing is worse than waiting to be loved

When suddenly your heart is filled with fire and desire

And your dream has slipped through your fingers

I accept what I can get

If not the cake at least the crumbs

Loving is a whole experience 

Dissociating parts of me for the love that I feel

Maybe a lobotomy or brain damage after an overload and short circuit

Obsessing about him

Obsessing to not think about him

Obsessing to not contact him

Obsessing to not obsess 

Dreamless nights and sleepless days

Sunrise, sunset, I can feel them in my bones

If in movie scene, I'd be on the bed as everything sped around me

Sunset, sunrise. Open eyes, eyes shut.

I feel no shame or grief

It's just time, let it go

To the ones who wanted more:

It is what it is 

This one is mine to spurge 

Regret? Years, months, days, seconds passed?

Later in life will I look back and imagine different choices, different lives

But how long 'til I look back?

So let the darkness come

The chemicals run through my veins

My senses numb, my heart in my ears

Tears subside to flow, subside to grow 

And then the darkness will come

I go through the motions 

My body breathes for me because I don't give it any thought

My face contracts as to express some ancient dreams

And so the darkness shall come.

The light of the screen flickers in the dark room

The sound of the useless fan that spins and spews back out the hot air

Everywhere memories of distant people, distant lives

And yet the darkness is coming

Those who've never loved have no business loving

Old voices, buried ghosts whisper in my brain

But all I feel is the ticking of the heart and the beating of the clock

I'm closer now... To the darkness I've called upon

They rage against my senses now!

Overpowering what would have been, what could have been and what will never be

As the tide washes over my legs. My chest. Covers my face.

I lie down still and accept... It has come

Aparição

De roupa interior olho-me ao espelho longamente. Os anos passaram por mim e deixaram as suas marcas. Linhas k mapeiam onde outrora guardava a juventude.

Contemplo-me longamente. Inclino a cabeca ligeiramente como que a apreciar uma qualquer obra de arte esquecida na cave de um Museu que so o é por falta de nome melhor para um local que alberga lembrancas esquecidas. 

Com um calafrio sinto o passar de uma sombra que na frecha de luz vinda de fora me olhava há já algum tempo.

Deixai-as olhar. O que outrora tiveram e desprezaram. Outras saudosamente olham para a beleza reflectida no espelho e pensam nas mal fadadas escolhas que a vida lhes ofereceu no princípio de tudo. No princípio de mim.

Ericam-se-me os cabelos da nuca e sinto o teu cheiro. Sorrio... Apenas no reino onirico nos vemos quando queremos sem o medo dos olhos que queimam, das fotografias que roubam a alma e das bocas de linguas bifidas que sibilam segredos que pertencem aos outros.

Vês o meu sorriso travesso como um indicio que te esperava e sinto as costas resguardadas do frio pelo calor que emanas da alma.

Abraças -me por trás e olhamo-nos nos olhos no espelho que nos reflecte a nós. 

A tua mão traça as linhas no meu ventre que parece prenhe dum miudo perdido e duma raposa assustada. Uma cicatriz imposta para esconder uma outra, infinitamente maior, mas que nunca se vera.

Afastas o meu cabelo e beijas-me onde o pai da razão se senta lendo o jornal. Sábio este homem.

Ja n ha volta a dar. Mesmo k mo neguem. Mesmo que me espezinhem, mesmo que me roguem pragas, morro na certeza porém que tenho Pessoa em mim.

A tua mão escorrega pela minha barriga e sinto-a passando por cima da fimbria do meu desejo.

O teu desejo, esse, senti assim que as carnes se tocaram, testemunha que se trata dum sonho mas não menos prazeroso que as memórias que o criaram.

The Hedgehog's Dilemma

Hi guys

So, I was thinking about this inadequacy I seem to have when it comes to making friends in Cape Town. I was never one to have problems making friends, honestly, the problem was keeping them around after I was of no use to them anymore or if I actually needed a shoulder as oposed to always being "a sholder".

We all have our defenses. Some lift up inpenetrable castles, others dig a hole in the ground and some, like me, find refuge in a small fox hole waiting for to hear footsteps outside. Me, like a kamikaze,  just run out with no worry if it's a friend or foe. Not much of a defense, I know.

But this small thought crafted into words isn't meant fo me. It's actually to understand what kind of atittude is the majority's choice, if it's something thought and planned or just an automatic defense by now, what led to the need of seeking shelter from the world: from the craddle or from lessons learned ?

The Hedgehog's Dilemma refers to a metaphor Schopenhauer (Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 19th century - very interesting perspective on life - a "must read"), came up with regarding the choices we have to make in order to survive as the gregarious and social beings we are.

On a cold day the Hedgehog has 2 choices: either he looks for the warmth of his kind, gets close, feels the heat and gets pricked by his pair's prickly coats or stays away, safe from the pain of being pricked and freezes.

How does that relate to humans?

The pricks on our bodies are our defenses. Inadvertadly, we hurt others and get wounded ourselves.

The question is, do we let the pricks fall and show our true selves leaving us vulnerable to pricks left, right and center? If we gamble we're left praying and wishing that our honesty will break the other's defense and maybe promote truth between both or is it better to just keep a distance?

Is it possible to have a true, honest and total relationship (friendship or romantic alike) if we're scared to bear our soul?

Waiting on your reply's. Please be honest. Don't write who you wish you were but who you truly are.

Many say they are open books, honest, transparent, love intensly and when faced with the "real thing", get so intimidated, they bolt leaving a flaming trail behind...

What say you?

It's time for new beginnings

Everything is fluid

Inside me they mix

My core is a blender

My mind blank

Reason has no place here

Questions are forbidden

Don't you dare doubt

To think

Take your medicine

Respect your Elders

They have lived for many years

Experience and knowledge

Forget everything you ever learnt

It's wrong, always has been

Not obsolete... No

Ignorance hid the truth

And now my core is a blender

My mind, clean slate

Waiting to be sculpted

It's time for new beginnings